LIFE : unfulfilled

I'm writing this. not at the prime of my life but just at the beginning of it. Born in a middle class family, times went well for all of us. My brothers, strong and handsome were the pride of my parents. My mother told me once, she had actually wished for a girl to follow the two, but they had me instead. "Not that your not wonderful or anything", she'd end, but somehow I knew deep inside, my mama did want a girl. Someone whose hair she could comb and tie into a delicate plait or pulled up as a bun. Someone she could share all her recipes or secrets with. Someone to pass along a long line of saris and jewelry.

But she had me, instead. "Not that your not wonderful or anything". Her dreams of pink ribbons and flowers shattered.

I grew up pudgy and which parent doesn't love that about their child. Their love added on to the excessive calories, I was already feeding and the maid, who'd fervently prepare oil filled dishes, always felt I'd grow up to be a wrestler of sorts since "that's what boys do na... 24 hours fighting offooo... stoppit".

Growing up was lonely as my brothers had left me to continue their studies in the greener fields of the Americas. I was left to learn things the hard way and not have anyone to ask questions to save my parents whom I wouldn't dare ask anything absurd or out of context.

Then I fell in love. Yes, sweet childhood crushes. But not of the ordinary kind. He was also a boy. I can imagine the one who reads this, suddenly having a sudden sickening and screwing up of face expression but, I was young and immature, then and now, but I loved that feeling.

They always say its hard to differentiate between love and infatuation. And fortunately, it was the latter. Nothing really happened between us except practising kissing which we had seen on TV and wanting to see how its done. And we did end up getting caught by the maid which is when we pretended to play a game.

Life continued further from school and finally every parents dream, College. A new place, another challenge. Here again I found someone. And this time, it was love. And again, to a boy.

I smiled, laughed and played along with the feelings I had imagined in my head. Just the same ones as any other normal man would have for a woman. But here it was another man. And somehow everything fell right into place.

Yes, we did get married in style and have a beautiful house to stay in. He'd wake up early in the morning to see my face and caress my cheek. And I did prepare breakfast and feed him and... kiss him goodbye on his way to work.

But like castles of yore, they all came tumbling down, when he said he didn't want to be my friend anymore. If anyone else had said that, I'd probably wouldn't mind. But with the ones you supposedly love, that was a freaking nightmare.

I cried and cried and kept cursing him and the God who made him. "How can you be soo cruel? Where did I go wrong?" these were all the questions I'd ask Him in our conversations only to be answered in silence. " I know its a sin to love another man as I am one, Lord, I really cant bear to sin against you any longer but I really do love him and I really do need him."

Silence, time and amnesia... The three best things one could ask for when suffering from a broken heart. I still see him now. Though we don't talk anymore. Its more of glances to see how each one is doing. And I'm happy that we both have done well so far. Though I have considered Klinefelters or any other genetic abnormality or the powerful wish of a mother which come true in the most horrible of manners to be manifested as a boy to explain my condition.

The title says unfulfilled probably cos I'm supposed to be falling in love with a woman, have children and so on and so forth. But there's still a part of me inside which says, I'll always love him and care for him always.


*Inspired by the movie MILK*