Forgive me Jules, for I know not what I'm doing...




A man with a fractured leg, a lady whose hands cant stop trembling, a boy hurling abuses is hidden in the corner by his bashful mother and then there's me. Why would a doctor go to another doctor you may ask? Well the fact is not all doctors are demi-gods, diseases get to them and once it does all you can do is hope and wait that another person helps you out of the dump.I sit and wait near the nurses desk. "The doctor will be right with you" she said. Not something that I'm not used to. I'm sure the patients who used to sit outside my waiting room also experienced the same. I guess they are on to you when you have visited as many times as I have.

I've known Marc since high school. The best of friends, us both. We used to go for football practice together, dated twin sisters, played video-games, the works. Seeing him at Hopkins was the least I expected for he had never mentioned it to me neither the fact that it was me who had inspired him to choose medicine and I was glad he did. We ended up being roommates and everything went well from day one.

Everything about medicine fascinated me no end. All the drugs with their fancy formulas and recipes, the functioning of each part of the body, the repair involved during surgery, it was all in my blood as probably Edward Cullen of Twilight would say "my own personal brand of heroin." Like him, I too had found mine.

I cant say when my disease started. Probably the day, Jules was born. She was beautiful. Her blue eyes, porcelain skin, breathtaking. But I then found myself taking a bit too much interest in her health. What would you expect you'd say? Every father dreams of nothing but the best for his daughter, but too much of care was what I had. Like a carnivorous bacteria, it ate me up each time she had a simple cold or slight temperature. Nothing but the best for my daughter I said.

I found myself taking her regularly to the pediatrician, who later got fed up or me and behaved rudely the next time I had arrived. This continued some more and many doctors later I had finally found someone I could trust, Marc Dillon, my hero.But he too noticed I was far more worried than usual for Jules. "I know it pains you Jo, but you really don't need to bring Jules here for simple stuff like this. Loading her with medicines isn't good for her." I just used to sit there and cry till he got fed up and prescribed the pills to me.

And then one day, Jules really did become sick and it didn't stop with the meds. I knew the best thing I could do was to make it all stop. What father would like to see his baby go through all that suffering. Filling in the bath tub with water. I waited contemplating what I was doing and deep down I knew something was wrong when I held my beautiful baby deep down in the tub, waiting for the bubbles to stop and when they did, I knew my job was done. I had made my baby happy, no more suffering....

Her funeral was beautiful. All those people, comforting me and saying that everything was going to be alright felt strangely exhilarating, her death made me happy with all the attention I was receiving.I was sick, your honor. I had killed my baby and I knew it...

Minutes later, I hurl in my seat at court. The officers take me away. I'm waiting for my sentence now. Perhaps I could meet Jules once more and tell her how much I really loved her. How much I really cared about her and that it was her daddy who was sick and not her and ask for forgiveness...


** Münchausen syndrome by proxy - injury is deliberately and gradually inflicted upon another person usually for gaining attention or some other benefit.Münchausen by proxy is a form of child abuse.The caregiver is usually a parent, guardian, or spouse, and the victim is usually a child or vulnerable adult. (Source - Wikipedia)
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Bella de Barcelona








The summer breeze floats on by, the grass rustles with the caress. The waters kiss the sores of the beaten rocks, Barcelona, city of my dreams. The spanish guitar draws me in further and further, its hold on me not leasing. I would write more but then I believe anything I say will just not be enough to appreciate your beauty...
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Frozen



Its been 2 years now, as I lay on my bed. The curtains drawn to let the sun in. The tulips bend to gaze outside the window while the curtains swing in the gentle breeze while I'm still lying there, frozen. Looks like Renee stayed the night, her bag and shawl on the chair. I guess she's gone to freshen up after sleeping over. I miss her.

The memory though painful plagues me everyday as I lie on my bed with the monitor deciphering my every heart beat, respiratory rate and so on. The night, the car, the street, the drink, all flash with the last flashback leaving me here at John Hopkins, the same place I had been to when Renee was born.

I guess my carelessness has troubled my poor baby, but she forgives me for the same. I strained to listen to what she said when it all happened. Her prayer, urging God to take pity on me and to give her back her father. I wished I could caress her hair and tell her everything would be okay. But I couldn't.

My room, is pretty bland save the flowers and the brown sofa. The bed is hard to say the least, its hard exterior covered by the blue dotted sheet. I can't say much about the floor. Haven't set foot on it in the past two years. The TV blares on, Renee set it to the news for me, even though she hates watching it herself.

Everything seemed peaceful, Renee and me, but when would I return back home with her. Renee comes back. There are tears in her eyes. Poor baby, my baby, I love you. The doctor and the nurse follows. They say their sorry, but for what? And then it hits me, they are going to take me off the ventilator.

Suddenly fear grips me, how cant they? I need to live, if not for myself at least for Renee. She comes closer and hugs me, I scream, but all that comes out is silence. The nurse inches closer, the drips are the first to stop. Slowly and steadily they stop the machine.

And all I can do is close my eyes all the time screaming and bawling inside like a spoilt child, wanting to live, wanting to walk free, wanting to be with my baby. But alas all I can do, is lie frozen. With the monitor now silent and my spirit overlooking the entire scene.
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At the end of the lane









After the tiresome day with the sun weighing me down, its rays trying to pin me in the eyes through the holes in my cap. My jacket and pant, a gift from the generous bhaisaab who gave me this olive green jacket and pant. The black banyan torn and worn, another treasure find at the dump. To top it all, the skull cap, my prize trophy, won in a fight, totally worth the scar it emblazoned across my left cheek. Its not really seen though, my beard, rough and scraggy metastasised over the ugly crater.

Pulling out the cigarette from my pocket which I stole from the kid at the other street, bloody rascals. Roaming in their shorts, barely having felt a woman's warmth and acting like big gang lords, with beedies and cigarettes, coughing and gagging. I reach for the matches in my bag. A big foreign one, I was told, light brown with LV written all over. Wonder what it means? LV?

A dastardly dog picks at my stick and I hurl abuses and watch it run away. Shifting to cross leg, I inhale. The smoke fills my mouth, my blood absorbing it while it stays and through the side it blows away, the wind grabbing it and running like a thief.

I sit there, at the end of the lane, preparing myself for the long journey. The city's ends miraged, by the damn sun...
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Midsummer Night's Dream







Having finished work late, I decided to grab something to eat at the local vendor. Eyeing the delicacies neatly placed in their silver platters and lit to brilliance under the yellow fluorescent tube, what caught my eye were the cheese sticks designed to look as gingerbread men and hence decorated ironically with lots of colored sprinkles. They came with toothpicks which served both as walking sticks for the men and as the road for them to tread on.

After deciding on a ghee filled croissant, I pay him the 20 rupees and carefully manoeuvre the slippery delight lest I loose the precious golden liquid. He then tells me that his place actually caters to many IT people like me and that it would set me back by a measly 70 rupees to eat at his joint for a year. I step back to see if the offer was worth its salt while I bit into the croissant.

She then steps next to me, eyeing my eat and then proceeds to ask the vendor for the same, both in English followed by Tamil. I then turn to see who had ordered the same dish as mine and she was peculiar like someone I had seen before, someone from my school days.

She was dark. Her hair cut in a cute bob. Her eyes neatly kajaled. But then her hand approaches my croissant which I've only eaten a little off the side while she breaks a big piece. As she unceremoniously steals what is mine the ghee oozes from its doughy cavity I "aaeehh" in defiance as she consumes it.

A lady clad in a sari sitting on the bench close to us all this while quite suddenly speaks "Do you know what you have done? Only married people are supposed to eat from the same plate." "What??" I scream...



Sleepily I type this, my myalgic fingers tiring to stop and go back back to sleep but I continue word by word spell checked and full stopped...
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I'd like to thank....













Like the billion or so people of the world who crave soo much for the coveted Oscar, I too am one of them. Just like tales of yore, mine too starts when I was small and then exposed to the glitzy world of Indian award shows with its dances, songs, amazingly long speeches and beautiful heroines especially Aishwarya Rai and Sushmita Sen, both of whom I admire a lot and still do.

The next step is practising for the so called 'imaginary' award show, which includes the whole jing bang of seeing clips of the nominees, then then announcement (well in my case it was Aishwarya Rai who announced my name :) and then walking up to the stage, kissing her on the cheek, probably throwing in a few words in Tulu in her ears while I'm kissing her cheek and then launching into a Caesar like speech with my mothers hairbrush in hand.

"I'd like to thank God, for whom without which this wouldn't be possible. My parents and siblings for believing in me. All my fans who appreciate my work and of course the esteemed judges who deemed it worthy."

Yeah I know its a drag and a bunch of cliches separated by full stops but that's what I had grown up hearing and rehearsing and believing would come true someday.

I'm sitting here right now watching the Oscars which was ceremoniously downloaded by my video shop wallah for monetary pleasure for suckers like me who are attracted by bright and shiny things. At first its the "Whose wearing what?" which in itself is fascinating.

However its kinda boring that the men just have to manage between a tux and a suit. For my big win (high hopes!!) I decided I'm gonna wear a bandgala probably by JJ Vallaya which is probably the only guy I know who makes it since I saw it in an ad in the magazine. To go with probably a black Dior watch which I still remember from an Outlook magazine which I promised myself I'd buy with my own salary. And then shoes anyone will do really. Not much worried about those. I had actually read in a magazine that women judge men by their shoes. Wonder how true that is. But I guess the specialists who buy them in such a large number you'd figure that they'd have to have some clue as to what they are doing.

And then there was the dream of actually hosting the event, but that soon died off when i realised what a headache that must be to keep it lively and funny at the same time when ladies are rushing to have gowns changed and the men look lazily on trying to spot a wardrobe Mal-function.

But one thing which seems to get me all the time is the gifts the stars get at the end of the show... I mean prime property on the moon... who can beat that!!!

Hmmm some day some day I tell myself..,. I'm gonna be up there...
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Qasbah






The moon clad in her burqa
Embellished with the stars
Watches through her veil
The city of Al-Qasbah

Candles housed in clay lanterns
Their flames quivering in the breeze
The majlis, fragranced with myrrh
Hookahs, wine and grapes

As Ziryab strums the Oud
His mellifluous voice
Bewitches the guests
Their bodies, inebriated with myrrh

The Bait ul- Samira
With its twisted maze
Fools many with its demented charm
But its her that they all come to see.

Sabih announces her arrival
With the Darbukah
His each note followed by bells
As she enters

She raises her veil
Her fair skin and dark eyes
Pleasing to ones carnal desires
She begins the raqs sharqi

With the chiming zilz
And the flowing silk
She draws the hungry eyes
Deeper into the abyss... Of the Qasbah
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It doesnt have to happen in India only!!!


In a day and age when recession hits major countries around the globe, India sits back and relaxes in the afterglow of the Oscars as it sees many of its citizens getting the prestigious Golden man award. But after this email that I had received I was wondering if the world still lives in the delusion of India being the land of mysticism and snake charmers... Read on to know what I mean...


The answers are actual responses to the questions posted on a website by the people outside India planning a visit to India..


Q: Does it ever get windy in India? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi, Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. .. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in India? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? (France)
A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of.oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tuesday night in Goa, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India? ( UK )
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in India? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? (Italy)
A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? (USA)
A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)
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Wat you are saying, I'm not understanding...


"I'm feeling full right now" - No, not really, its just that I don't like what I'm eating so i feign a full appetite for now.... but I'm always ready for dessert :)

"Uhuh" - This may or may not be true at times. I can simply uhuh whatever you say without having a clue of the on going situation.

"Ya, ill do it later" - Again variable depending on the score on my laziness scale.

"That looks good on you" - Kind of a cliche but works wonders...

"Im sorry could you repeat it, I didn't quiet get it" - Hah I wasnt even paying attention to get it in the first place, this is usually used at professors since many at times I have no clue as to why I'm here, what I'm doing here etc etc...

" " - There's a whole lot of stuff I wanna ask patients apart from the boring necessary details like when do you go fishing? is the catch better in the morning or in the evening? what special food did your mom bring for you today? and soo much more but unfortunately i have a language barrier... Kannada : (

"Oh puhleeeese" - Something my friend Trishul with an h still says and I follow.

"Bloody beep beep beep"- not often said thankfully. But when I do start, it goes on and on...

"If only..." - associated with both the good and the bad alike... I wish i could eat all the food in the world and not become fat or I wish he/she bloody choked on something or tripped and fell the whole stairways down....

"I'm bored" - Probably the truest and most often said of the lot... hence the post : )
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Result : Fail


Yes... that's what it said at the bottom of the report sheet. Fail as in failure to cope up with the rest... Fail as in unable to fill my answer sheets with precious mental vomit... Fail as in being separated from the rest... Yes, that's what I felt and repeatedly told myself in the likely events to follow my arrival back in college.

Whining during prayers is also another thing I've noticed I do. Why him Jesus? I'm sure I'm better than HIM. But no, He never listens and I'm still stuck in my Failure's paradise.

"Hey, we're sorry about what happened. How you feeling now?" the pity talk was inevitable. They didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to react. So i guess we were all in the same boat except mine would take off 6 months later. Many tears and advise later I said to myself "To hell with them, I can manage. All I need to do right now is study real hard and make it through."

And fortunately that's what happened. Four years down the line, its results time for the "regulars" and they each pass with their steths proudly hung around their napes, I stand and watch them. "Why couldn't I be there?" If only this was a stupid nightmare, I could pinch myself free from. But no, this my friend was reality, smacking me right in my cherubic ( well depression does arouse hunger, I'm sure you'll are well versed with that physiological phenomenon) face.

So i thought there must me others who have had been in the same position, so i browse the net for quotes which they would have inevitably given the secret of getting over failure. So this is what i found

Ashley Montague: The deepest human defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by the difference between what one was capable of becoming and what one has in fact become.

Elaine Maxwell: My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

Yes i know. Both very encouraging and very happy go lucky but not the case when you experience it.

I guess I should get to studies now. The burden increasing and my mind space decreasing...

Aaaarrrggghhh.... Jus pass me already...
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Talisman


Fire is indeed an enigma. In school I was told, it was invented by our forefathers to keep warm during cold winter nights or to cook the meat they had caught, but all that fire had given me was neither warmth nor nourishment. Instead it consumed my wife and my one year old son, his little feet just learning to tread the dusty ground.

They say never run away from fear but look it in its eyes and stand firm, but how could I. With no support and now with no home, I had to run. Escape from the misery that had befallen me. The journey albeit tiring had to be done. With my knapsack and few rupees I left Jaipur, the Pink city for Bombay, the city of dreams.

Having reached the highway, I waited, noticing the Volvo buses reversing in order to line up neatly in rows whereas the trucks haphazardly parked themselves wherever they felt like. Truck-walas do most of their travel by night after a stop at the local dhabas. A free ride is all I could really afford now.

As night approached, the dhabas sprung to life. The Chingi/ Nepalis who themselves had left their hometowns in search of greener money soon found themselves serving customers with Gobi Manchuri and chicken kababs. I feel sorry for them. The fire works up a sweat as they stir and flip the oily contents into the soya smoked air. Atlast as they masterpiece is ready, its poured into a rag cleaned plate and presented to the customers delight.

But dont be fooled, the best food in India is found always at the roadside and not in those posh restaurants which on tv they show under serving their guests. I've never realised why people pay hundreds of rupees to end up with a slice of meat and few boiled vegetables thrown the side.

Here with 25 rupees, a sumptuous meal of gobi or noodles with tomato and chilli sauce can be enjoyed under the lampost with the breeze gently cooling the piping hot food. I helped myself to some Gobi manchuri for this happened to be my last meal in the pink city.

All the dhabas have interesting names. Either its named after their wives or daughters or sons. Some have an almost blood relation to China and its ethereal dragon. But here at Pinky's Dhaba, supposidely the best among the lot so the guy claimed, I met Neelesh...






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When the powers of the mind and stomach combine...


It gives rise to splendid, sometimes atrocious mix of things. But even then, its always amazing to note how comfortably the stomach controls the mind when you throw in certain things to sweeten or salt your mouth. Here's something i thought of when I was small, feel free to add your own weird recipes... :)

Imagine this a big wide ice cream bowl with a stand so u can hold it. The base formed by a pancake dipped in vanilla/strawberry essence. Topped with a thick layer of cream followed by sliced gulab jamuns. Then another layer of cream topped with Alphonso mango and lychee's. This again shall be pressed by another layer of pancake dipped in vanilla/strawberry essence and the whole thing mummified in chocolate.

Bon appetite!!! :) :P
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L'agent Provocateur





A heady mix of
Scotch and perfume
Both Evil in their own ways
Fills the air.

Cigarette butts
Shaped like missiles
Lay strewn
In their ashy graves.

Standing at the doorway
Lace and Lingerie
Both Evil in their own ways
She inches closer

Flicking her luscious hair
Brown interlaced with black
Lips, inviting in pink
Eyes which sink deep within.

Our bodies meet
Love and Lust
Both Evil in their own ways
She in me and me in her.

Its time now
She leaves with a kiss
Heels click the wooden floor
L'agent Provocateur
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My fav Houseisms


“I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?”

“Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.”

“Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.”

“You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.”

“That's absurd. I love it.”

“The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral.”

“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... [pauses] I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.”

“I'm a little busy - gettin' my drink on.”

“Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.”

“I am the doctor who's trying to save your son's life. You're the mother who's letting him die. Clarification- it's a beautiful thing.”

“[Answering Newsweek's phone call about Dr. Charles' condition] In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me... C-U-D-D-Y.”

“[To Cameron at Christmas]
Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?”

“I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.”

“[To Foreman]
Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.”

“Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.”

“[Talking to a patient about suing doctors] It's ironic, isn't it? Sort of like the boy who sued wolf... you know, I bet we have a doctor named Wolf. How perfect would that be? I'm gonna page him.”

“Bros before hos, man.”

“How does someone just start drooling? Chase? Were you wearing your short shorts?”

“Everybody lies.”

"You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat."

"People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care."

"Men are pigs. [They will] pretty much have sex with anyone, fat, skinny, married, single, complete strangers, relatives."

"Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it."

"Patients always want proof, we're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees."

"Tests take time. Treatment's quicker."

"Pretty much all the drugs I prescribe are addictive and dangerous."

"Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots cause we can't figure out what's causing it."

"You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious."

"Tell a surgeon it's okay to cut a leg off and he's going to spend the night polishing his good hacksaw.... they care about their patients. They just care about themselves more. Which is not an unreasonable position. Trying to maximize the tissue you save also maximizes the chances of something going wrong. Which means you've gotta be extra careful. Which is such a pain in the ass."

"Welcome to the end of the thought process."

"...the answer...to life itself: Sex."

"...the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way."

"There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function."

"In this universe effect follows cause. I've complained about it but—" [

"The treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie."

thirteen: this is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.






*Thanks to http://thinkexist.com/quotes/dr._gregory_house/ and http://www.housemd-guide.com/characters/houserules.php for the quotes which I soo thoroughly enjoy....
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Cain


With the early sunrise, I am up
In its sleepy glory, I greet it
The soil crumbles, beneath my feet
Saplings, all arranged neatly.

Fruit of the earth
The Lord hath blest it
Sweat of man and
Power of God.

I am Cain, firstborn of Adam
And Eve, my mother
From whose womb I arose
Only to be followed, by Abel.

Day after day, I toil and tumble
Weeds insinuate the earthy depths
The best of which I shall offer Him
My Creator, in Heavens almighty.

But Abel, the weakling he is
Foolishly opens his eyes
To find his sheep wandering
And him, left far behind.

His birth, of no significance to me
An alter persona, compared to me
Father and mother loved him dearly
And for this, I shall repay him surely.

My offering rejected
I stand there, defeated
Abel uplifted by the Lord
Revenge boiled inside me.

"Why has anger risen within you
And your face bowed to the ground
Sin crouches at your door
Overrule its desire"

In the fields it was over
My score atlast settled
Abel be no more
Then He sayeth unto me

"Where is Abel thy brother?"
"I do not know;
Am I my brother's keeper?"
“What have you done?"

"His blood cries out unto me
Cursed are you forever
The earth no longer yielding
A wanderer and fugitive to be"

I am Cain, firstborn of Adam
And Eve, my mother
Standing there, defeated
Seperated from my God
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Lost in Translation


Step quick-quick-slow
Left-right-left-pause
Tap
Right-left-right-pause-
Tap

Spot turn

Our eyes meet, bodies hug
Her hand in mine and copa
We twist and turn
Keep up with the pace

And the music
Don't forget the music
A rhythm
Sensually divine

Step quick-quick-slow
Left-right-left-pause
Tap
Right-left-right-pause-
Tap

You caress my face
Slide down my arm
You shine
An amazing wonder

A circle
Eyes on each other
We twist, we turn
Unfurl

Step quick-quick-slow
Left-right-left-pause
Tap
Right-left-right-pause-
Tap

And thus
The end had neareth
A spot turn
And now we're done



*The dance described is the Salsa.
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India Whining


Once upon a time there was a White man who like other White men had a fascination towards India. Though he was cheap like the rest of us Indians, he decided to make a movie pertaining to the rise of the downtrodden slumdog Indian to the greatest of heights. But as it is when crabs are put together in a bucket, preventing each other from rising, so also the Indians fought against this White man, who had infact made India famous. Famous enough to be recognised by the Golden Globe Society, which decided that this White man should be awarded along with the other Brown people, both of those who acted and made the music of the film. And they did not just stop with one. They gave them four whereas their counterparts from their motherland England gave them eleven nominations at their awards, the BAFTA.

Now what the argumentative, naive and ignorant amongst the smart Indian lot do not realise is by advertising India's poverty makes it richer. Heaven knows how much the tourism industry has prospered simply by the power of yoga and the search for ones inner being.But no, they want foreigners to come and shoot the Developed India. The land of the Bollywood mirch-masala and talk about how it has developed inspite of being raped by its predecessor, the British or by its current politicians.

India is like a diamond. Only once the grit and grime is washes and the stone polished does it shine. But one has to get through the grit and grime first and not vice versa.

So please fellow country people... Think, ponder, understand. Indians are not called smart for nothing...
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Stars and lights

 












  



 Open my eyes
Turn to the right
Wake up and stretch
Look around my big bedroom
Scenic ocean and palm trees
White sand on my personal beach

Spin around and place my feet
Gucci for my aching soles
Walk to the bathroom
Crystal clear mirror
Six pack abs and tan to fit
Hair messed up but still shiny

Head down to the living room
Across the painting strewn halls
The cleaner salutes me
The butler ushers me in
A hearty breakfast fit for a king
Masterpiece courtesy the chef

Silver forks and spoons
Plates with gold etched edges
Orange juice served in crystal
Appointments read to me
SMS's texted dutifully
Time for another costume change

Clothes laid on my bed
Versace, D&G and the rest
Crafted and tailored
To suit my body perfectly
Cologne dabbed, Aviators donned
They all await me

Chauffeured in my Mercedes
Tinted to deflect the paparazzi
Music fills the vacuum
Calls ring incessantly
Ya ya I'm on my way
Directors, producers, idiots

The door opens, bulbs flash
Out I step into the world
A wave and a wink
Girls faint, some shriek
Scribble upon books
And kiss upon the cheek
The stars and lights
Its all about me
They all want to be me
They all want to do me
Cos being me is their frigging ticket
Away from their damned miseries
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LIFE : unfulfilled




I'm writing this. not at the prime of my life but just at the beginning of it. Born in a middle class family, times went well for all of us. My brothers, strong and handsome were the pride of my parents. My mother told me once, she had actually wished for a girl to follow the two, but they had me instead. "Not that your not wonderful or anything", she'd end, but somehow I knew deep inside, my mama did want a girl. Someone whose hair she could comb and tie into a delicate plait or pulled up as a bun. Someone she could share all her recipes or secrets with. Someone to pass along a long line of saris and jewelry.

But she had me, instead. "Not that your not wonderful or anything". Her dreams of pink ribbons and flowers shattered.

I grew up pudgy and which parent doesn't love that about their child. Their love added on to the excessive calories, I was already feeding and the maid, who'd fervently prepare oil filled dishes, always felt I'd grow up to be a wrestler of sorts since "that's what boys do na... 24 hours fighting offooo... stoppit".

Growing up was lonely as my brothers had left me to continue their studies in the greener fields of the Americas. I was left to learn things the hard way and not have anyone to ask questions to save my parents whom I wouldn't dare ask anything absurd or out of context.

Then I fell in love. Yes, sweet childhood crushes. But not of the ordinary kind. He was also a boy. I can imagine the one who reads this, suddenly having a sudden sickening and screwing up of face expression but, I was young and immature, then and now, but I loved that feeling.

They always say its hard to differentiate between love and infatuation. And fortunately, it was the latter. Nothing really happened between us except practising kissing which we had seen on TV and wanting to see how its done. And we did end up getting caught by the maid which is when we pretended to play a game.

Life continued further from school and finally every parents dream, College. A new place, another challenge. Here again I found someone. And this time, it was love. And again, to a boy.

I smiled, laughed and played along with the feelings I had imagined in my head. Just the same ones as any other normal man would have for a woman. But here it was another man. And somehow everything fell right into place.

Yes, we did get married in style and have a beautiful house to stay in. He'd wake up early in the morning to see my face and caress my cheek. And I did prepare breakfast and feed him and... kiss him goodbye on his way to work.

But like castles of yore, they all came tumbling down, when he said he didn't want to be my friend anymore. If anyone else had said that, I'd probably wouldn't mind. But with the ones you supposedly love, that was a freaking nightmare.

I cried and cried and kept cursing him and the God who made him. "How can you be soo cruel? Where did I go wrong?" these were all the questions I'd ask Him in our conversations only to be answered in silence. " I know its a sin to love another man as I am one, Lord, I really cant bear to sin against you any longer but I really do love him and I really do need him."

Silence, time and amnesia... The three best things one could ask for when suffering from a broken heart. I still see him now. Though we don't talk anymore. Its more of glances to see how each one is doing. And I'm happy that we both have done well so far. Though I have considered Klinefelters or any other genetic abnormality or the powerful wish of a mother which come true in the most horrible of manners to be manifested as a boy to explain my condition.

The title says unfulfilled probably cos I'm supposed to be falling in love with a woman, have children and so on and so forth. But there's still a part of me inside which says, I'll always love him and care for him always.


*Inspired by the movie MILK*
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Tilotamma









Brahma spoke
And I was formed
My name, Tilotamma
Apsara of Indra's court

Whispers, sniggers and jealousy
Evil lined their eyes
Dark as Kohl, were they

But Brahma was gracious
Blest far more than the rest
My beauty knew not its boundaries

Hair, black as a raven
Lips, tender as rose petals
My body, a dew drop enrobed
By lotus leaves.

But Brahma knew far too well
Pride leadeth to a fall
Therefore I was cursed
Far more than the rest

I was not to fall in love.

Until I saw him in the fields.
His bow and glinting arrows
His face kind and gentle
His body, sun kissed

Desire soon took over me.
Surging through my very blood.
But... Brahma knew too well
For I was summoned to Indra's court.

Lightning marked my presence.
Seven mortal lives, he said
Disease and pain, thy ornaments to be
I begged and pleaded
But judgement had been passed.

Listen... Take heed
Brahma knows too well
For I am Tilotamma
Apsara of Indra's court.


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