Loving you was kinda like... developing a taste for beer. Bitter at first, but it slowly grows on you, as you continue sipping the arctic beverage. Now when I see myself in the mirror, there is not even a trace of your love left. Your possessions, all been taken over. The loss of which I do not twist and turn in my bed wondering what it could have been. On the contrary I'm relieved it’s over between us.
As I seat myself on the floor I open the first album with Fond Memories written on it. The first picture, my mom holding a cocooned baby with love forming its aura around us. Flipping through I reach infancy. My, what a chubby baby was I. The heart and soul of all conversations be it with aunties, uncles, grandparents, and strangers. Yup, a true magnet which led to an incident between the servant and me. Feeling me up and undressing me. Closing the album, I smirk as it flashes again in its flowery script, Fond Memories.
School wasn't exactly un-eventful. With you by my side, the punches didn’t hurt that much during recess time. Neither did the kicks. I liked that I could hide you and take you with me in my banyan during swimming lessons in spite of the constant reprimands of the teacher, there was no separating us. I didn’t really have any friends but I’m happy you were there and that you would bring your friends along when I gorged on the doughnuts and candy.
I kept checking my weight. It’s turning into an obsession. The kilos just pile up leaving me looking like a humungous hulk though of the fat variety as opposed to the ripped variety. My t-shirts have been pre-stretched before I leave for school. All tightness relieved along the chest and waist and back. Guess Ill go with black again. Seems to hide me of my iniquities.
The taunting became worse in High school. Repeated bangs against the lockers, fists rolled up to punch you in and words hurled like pointed javelins. I remember how I used to run home and lock myself in the room crying, hoping for someone to console me and then you came and said it'll be all ok, have a doughnut instead and be happy. I smiled and obediently followed your orders and gobbled all the doughnuts and soft drinks I could find. Being fat was probably not so bad. I guess.
Senior year saw me join a bunch of rejects. Their meetings, in these dark and dingy attics, the window acting like a chimney. I finally felt at ease. Here I was, with others who didn’t conform to society's standard of perfection. Those who weren’t thin and tall with six pack abs and wore glasses. Yes, I have found my home. The place where I could belong. That is until our parents caught us which led to the expected grounding and hence the split of the rejects gang.
I hoped college would be different and it was. I made some good friends and then with some coaxing I joined the gym. It was horrible coming back home breathless and my back and sides paining like hell. No pain, no gain I kept reminding my self. As I opened the refrigerator sequined with many magnets holding on to dear life all the diets and exercise routines I was meaning to try out, I often wondered how you were feeling. How with the hour long cardio and weight training would rid you of your friends as they got metabolized away.
I head to the calendar to cross out another day and note down my waist size and my biceps to see what progress I’ve been making. It’s been going good till now. I've lost two inches off my waist and my biceps has grown two centimeters. I pat myself on the back and hed to make a salad in the kitchen. It definitely isn't easy loosing all the weight considering I pride myself with finishing a whole large pizza. Hmmm gone are those days. Its just grilled chicken, fish and salads now. No soft drinks. No candy.
But not having you with me now, I guess has done me good. No more do people stare at me and giggle when I cross by with my XXL shirt blowing in the wind and forming embarrassing shapes with the fat beneath. Even the anger of what I had done to myself had gone. I'm at peace and happy with my body. I read this line in a book once and it’s stuck with me since "I'm perfect, cos God made me that way" so I guess as I have to do now is work towards getting an amazing bod.
I love you my lipidous lover, even thought you were the soul cause of all my troubles, I'd still like to say thank you for being there, to console and protect me. Being thin doesn’t mean I have no use of you anymore. I do, but just in small amounts. Time to hit the shower. Gotta a meeting to go to. Miss you dearly. Lots of love....
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